schizodefective

The enthralling tales of a lost dilettante.

My brain is missing pieces. They fell along the way. My hand sometimes freezes. And it won’t obey.

Lost and dreaming. Darkness, screaming. Tear drops, glimmering, Sadness, gleaming. Out of my veins they’re streaming Maybe I’m not worth redeeming Stop trying, there’s no meaning Success is just a feeling Neverlasting, Fleeting

Tell me this and tell me true, Have I ever done good to you? Have I ever made one promise, Of which I made good and held to?

I have remorse and many regrets I don’t give a damn about my lost bets And I don’t care for my old debts Or all those stupid threats

Of all the things I freaking miss In this empty, small abyss I miss your stupid lips, I miss your gentle kiss

I wanna write more about happiness and bliss, I wanna recall and reminisce, But screw writing love poems, I really fucking suck at this.

Back on track, I’ll turn that page So embarrassing, at my age. Let’s write of anger, Of existential rage

God just locked me in this cage, Threw the keys in hell, then left the stage I suck at this, there’s no way to gauge If I’m winning this war, inside me I wage

Let me write of strife and sickness, Let me write of mental illness, I’m quite familiar with that topic, I’m a protagonist in that comic.

I feel like a marionette at circus. Tiny hooks underneath my dermis. I keep dancing to these tunes. I keep writing stupid poems.

Set the stage and strobe that light. God has come to watch tonight. Dance little doll, and do it right. Keep in step, and don’t show fright.

“How can I dance?” Asked the little doll. “I spent my life, behind that wall, My whole life, I’ve been on hooks, I’m tiny, and small! You want me to dance, before I learn to crawl?”

The hooks hug tighter, and the little thing whimpers Her fragile mind just breaks and splinters God is watching, and so she simpers She looks behind her, at her little sisters Waiting in line, with their own blisters

“Dance little toy, and make it good. Lest I smite you, where you’re stood.” “Dance little toy. Do it on your own. Lest I grind your flesh and bone.”

There you have it, a piece of my mind A rambling brain that rhymes sometimes I hope you’re happy, oh dear therapist I’m writing it out, as per your request If people think I’m crazy, I won’t protest I’m fucking bored of this mental tryst

I wanna stop thinking words that rhyme I wanna be normal, just this one time I want this mania to fucking stop I want old habits to die out and drop

Why do I commit this literary crime? Why do I ramble words that barely rhyme? They’re never gonna be read or sung It’s not even my mother tongue.

#poetry, more #ramblings of an #ill_mind

Twice hunted, and thrice lost I’m the one they haunt the most My skin burns hot, underneath this frost I made it out, but at what cost?

Not made of stone, my pitted heart I’m flesh and bone, easily torn apart I’m a human being, not a flow chart I’m done with enduring, time to depart

From this norm I’ll break free I’ll break shit and climb a tree I’ll go dunk into the sea Fully clothed in winter

I’m done with these shackles of social norms Done with jail cells we call our homes I’ll break your laws and tear your forms Let’s see what comes when no one conforms

My soul is free, and it shall fly Grow new wings and hit the sky The world is big but we all tie… Ourselves to golden posts and cry

So fuck this chain and gilded cage Fuck this play and fuck this stage I’ll revolt against this age I’ll let out all this rage

Fuck this need to feel secure Fuck the disease and fuck the cure I’ll no longer bear and I’ll not endure I’ll break this mould, I know for sure

I’ll cry out when I feel some pain I’ll show disdain and I’ll complain I’ll talk back and I won’t restrain… Myself from punching back ever again

Keep your walled garden, Where you’re prisoner, And you’re the warden. Draw on walls, Make some art But when your sky falls You’ll have to start Over

You keep your lovely prison cell Your sterile walls and empty shell Keep your ego, make it swell Keep your high horse, And broken citadel

Years fly by, they never pause Time goes by, have no remorse When life bites you, grab her jaws Don’t take shit and break her claws Head-butt her back, and bite her paws

Don’t ever give a fuck about your flaws Don’t seek punishment nor seek applause You are who you are, just because No need for a reason, nor for a cause You’re who you are now, not whoever was

#poetry #poem

Some words call Some words maul Some words stall And some words fall On deaf ears And some grow tall

Words flow like a river Words grow like trees Some words will last forever Some will spread like disease Some words die Some words try Some words cry Some words barely hang by And some words fly Some words take wing and reach the sky

Some words burn brighter than the sun Some words stun Some more dangerous than a gun And some words just want to have fun Some words we shun Some words we tell to everyone

Some words are sad Some words are bad Some are ramblings And some are mad Some words rhyme And some just pad

Some words are negative And some are positive Some are sedentary And some are evocative Some words are passive And some are provocative

Words have dynamics and state Words have charge and weight Words have momentum we can appreciate A property we can’t properly estimate Words have energy we can debate Words have property and trait Words have gravity Words can alter fate

Imagine a universe made of letters Where the molecules represent words Adjectives, verbs, and nouns All chained in neatly cords Imagine their laws of physics Imagine their atomic bonds

Imagine two stars colliding And merging down their meanings Imagine a blackhole’s gravity Sending a prose careening

Imagine letter peptides Recombining, hydrolysing Imagine complex reactions Imagine life arising Imagine little meanings Oxidising, ionising Competing for resources Minimising, maximising Imagine tiny phrases Evolving and specialising Then forming complex proses Fighting and organising

Into your words You breathe new life Words are alive ‘Doodad’ and ‘wife’ It matters not for which you speak Harmony… or strife

#poetry #poem #akaretardedmusingsofatroubledmind

I’m evil and twisted That’s how I roll No such evil ever existed I’m outta control I egg cars with remote control I evade any cops on patrol One day I’ll trap them With an artificial black hole For now I’ll stick with my RC mole I play the evil guy in any RPG On PC or on an evil console I evicted Santa out of the north pole On that message board I troll And when I got banned ‘cuz I’m on parole Then I made a new account and went for more

I’m an evil genius With plans to rule the universe All my plans ingenious With results adverse

I aim to dim the stars I’ll steal a bucket of paint And Elon’s rocket to Mars.

But I need funding for my plans So to begin with, I’ll sell children Boxes of toy cigars

I will break the sun I will steal the moon I will make you run I will make you swoon

Wait, wait. That was a joke Please don’t ban me again I swear my keyboard broke

#stupid #random #poetry

تعمل ايه لو كل لحظة كل همّك الإنتحار؟ تعمل ايه لو كل فكرة كل خاطر, كل نظرة كانت بتحكى عن فِرار؟ تعمل ايه لو أىّ كلمة حد قالها فى يوم وغار كلمة أهبل, ملهش لزمة سببتلك الإنكسار؟ تعمل ايه لو أى نسمة أو هواء وعمل تيار فكرك ب عمارة عالية ويوم هتاخد فيه قرار؟ يوم يتسدّ فيه طريقك يوم مفيش أيّ إختيار يوم حتمسح فيه في دمعة مفيهوش إجابة ولا إستفسار يوم بدايته أكيد هتبقى كُحل أسود و إنهيار يوم شيطانك فيه هيكسب يوم نهاية الإنحدار يوم هتضعف, يوم حتخسر يوم وعارفه أكيد هييجي يوم دمار

#شعر #عربى #بالعاميه

عفاريت واسياد وجنّ ودجل و كلام يجنّ وحجاب وعلم أوفاق وحاجات تجيب فتاق ليه دايما اللى شايف حاجة وشايفها واحده ليه فاكر اللى شايفه مش وهم من جوارحه؟ ليه دايما كلّه واثق ان بصره صحيح؟ ليه معندوش اى شكوك ان عقله جريح؟ عقلك ده ممكن يخدعك و يتوّهك و يصربعك وكل وهم تشوفه حيدربكك و يضيّعك لو شفت شئ غريب و خارج عن العادة متقولش ده عفريت عايزين بخور زيادة لا اللى انت شايفه ده بيسموه Illusion وحيوديك فى داهية ويزيد في ال Confusion فكك من جهل الناس وخلط ف مفاهيم الدين عمره ما قال عفاريت محتاجة سيم حتى ف عصر الرسول مجاش ولا حديث عن ناس لبسها جن وجابولها شيخ حثيث عشان يولّع عود ويهمهم كلمتين يطلّع الموعود ويعالجه ف خطوتين خلاص عفريت وطلع من صباع الرجل الكبير بس اوعى تغنى تانى فى الحمام ده شئ خطير احا يا شعب تافه بيصدق العبط كل الاجانب برة بيغنوا و ده غلط؟ امال عايشين ازاى مش لابسهم جن ليه؟ الجن تجيلنا بس واشمعنا احنا وليه؟ واللى راح لدكتور نفسى عشان شاف حاجة غريبة ليه ببرشامة اختفت والله حاجة عجيبة

#شعر #عربى #بالعاميه

Lost. Dreaming Scrapped. Screaming Calling Soaring Falling Stalling Survived Broken Start crawling Slow and arduous Progress stalling Move. Stop recalling Bad memory. Mauling Entry deleted Quite appalling Stand upright Damaged, ignoring Systems restoring Process, boring This unit is no longer Designated for hauling It’s time to find A new calling

إستحضرت الشيطان فسألنى، عَمّا أريد مقابل ان أبيع روحى؟ فى لحظة وجْدُ وجدتنى أطلُب، ما أنقصه، حبُّ يداوى جروحى. طلبت أن يجعلنى أتقى المؤمنين، أن يُذهب الشك و يوقف جنوحى، و أن يعمر قلبى باليقين، وحب صرف لرب العالمين.

وحين أيقن الشيطان أن الطلب، ليس بمزاح وليس بمَقْلب، توقف عن الضحك ثم شَخَرَ، بركان من خَشَمُه انفجر، فلّ الحديد والحجر، إقتلع جذور الشجر، و قال “قد أخطأ من ذكر، إسم الإله فى حضرتى، فالإسم ذاته إن ذُكر، قد ذهبت معه قوّتى.”

#شعر #عربى #poetry

What if superposition was an optimisation, to defer computation? What if you needed cognition to survive, for any time or duration.

What if reality shifts and blurs, if we don't look hard and stare? What if the past occurs, when we actually check what's there? What if measurement incurs, a lazy evaluation? What if every act spurs, a further escalation?

What if the universe is always in flux, and superposition? What if its only resort and the crux is evolving cognition?

What if we're the threads that bind reality together? What if this whole world can't be, without our tether?

We observe the world through light and sound. We always touch things and look around. We observe the sun through her light. We observe the stars throughout the night.

What if the universe needs curiosity? What if it wants us to gain velocity? What if it wants us out, amongst the stars? What if it wants us there, beyond Mars?

What if we're the glue, and we're the witness? What if we're the flu, to cure the sickness? What if we're the crew, to patch the weakness? What if we're the clue, it needs to fix this?

Suicide doesn't end the pain It just passes it down To the next link in the chain And in loss they drown

But you have to understand Life gives no quarter Every time you try to stand It just breaks you harder

So what's there to do? When it gets much darker? When I'm feeling blue? When I can't deal and barter?

What's there to do When I'm torn to pieces? When I'm split in two And the pressure increases?

I don't want this burden To fall through to you I don't want this cycle To begin with you anew

When my cowardice defeats me And I can't make it through Tell me how to make it… Make it up to you.

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