schizodefective

The enthralling tales of a lost dilettante.

رأيت الشمس تبكى والقمر يغمض عيونه كي لا يرى ولو أوتيت البصر فقد أرى الزهرة تضرب المشتري كواكب تقتل بعضها ونجوم تشكي للثَّرَى

Welcome to the digital dimension Where you're an offset in a bitfield You're just another dandelion Inside a bottle, sealed Flying by where the wind takes you Dangling from a fishing line, reeled There is no way of ascension Even if the truth is revealed

Kill the process, burn the world End existence, of eons untold They're all events, all controlled By a seed value, foretold It's time to end it, to start anew Pick another value from the queue A random seed that you can't construe 'Cause that seed value makes… you

Tick tock tick, and time goes by One step at a time, and it does fly But that's just your perception Of a time continuum you can't defy

What if time is stretchy, like a sponge? I know it sounds a bit sketchy, but take the plunge What if it's all happening real slow? One event at a time, it might flow

What if your reality is interleaved? What if real-time is cut and cleaved? What if all realities conceived Are running on a single CPU? What if all it took to make you Was God's version of a TI-82?

Living usually gets tight When life pummels you left and right But don’t give in, you have to fight You have to show her who’s right Don’t hold this pain, or try to contain This injustice inside your brain Keep fighting back, and don’t complain Scream it all out, then do it again Life is unfair but you must become …Bolder So let life try, and don’t let go Of that unbreakable boulder Let it rain down blood and snow All that weight just makes you stronger You’ve been carrying all that hate On your unbending shoulder And hate is a power that can make …People colder Don’t fear the days you feel older When life tries to mould you, mould her Resist your fate, make her strain Let your anger smoke and smoulder Then channel it all, ignore the pain And break free of her chain Your willpower shall remain… Stronger… …Colder And that’s all you’ll ever need To cleanse chaos and bring order Know that life gives no quarter ‘Cause it fears every soldier

When probability meets infinity It becomes inevitability There's no randomness if you a roll a dice, An infinite number of times

An immortal will do great deeds for eons untold They'll murder a baby in cold blood, and later save the world An immortal will commit all possible crimes They'll also break their promises and change their minds An infinite number of times

They'll write every book that could ever be They'll bruteforce all knowledge and all the rhymes They'll make discoveries, and explore the world An infinite number of times

Nevermind the dullness of it all, The hardest of all, is the infinite heartbreak They'll kiss every loved one goodbye They're bound to grieve, to wail and cry An infinite number of times

I don't want to be immortal I don't want to be a god I don't want to cause new universes To spawn from my waste and grime

Because that's what'll eventually happen If you're eternal, you have infinite waste And with enough mass, a new bigbang You're bound to consume, and you're bound to create An infinite number of times

Hello there, God. I want you to know That I’m not sorry I’ve seen so much, took blow after blow And it was gory

So speak and tell me that you care Speak now and end my worry I’m ready. Bestow your revelations Of your incredible story Go ahead, I’ll patiently wait This is your moment of glory

I don’t care much for your faiths anymore I’ve seen your hell on earth and more I’ve tried to land on your every shore I’ve come by knocking on your door ‘Cause all you ever do is ignore My prayers

And all I ask, all I implore Is just a sign and nothing more How long has this gone on for? How many times will I pimp and whore My immortal soul to settle a score Of your own making

So tell me, what’s my Highscore? In this game that I deplore What have you got for me in store? Nothing else can scare me anymore Nothing can shake me to the core Nothing to come can be worse than before

I’ve been scarred and I’ve been torn I’ve seen many things since I was born The only lies I ever told Were to my mirror

Are we the predators, or just the victim Of your scheme to simulate, this cruel system This box you made and trapped us in It’s so unfair, without and within To me and all that try to care If I kill myself, if I ever dare, Just remember: You’re equal part my killer

You gave us space, you gave us stars You gave us wits, you gave us Mars But no way to ever reach you You gave us strife and you gave us scars And boundless will to subdue And so with science we built new cars We sent our probes that went too far In search of the strange and bizarre We tried to find you Yet we can’t ever detect you

So what say you, to a lowly creature Who dares question the words of every preacher Who attributes to you any single feature Except the apathy innate to your nature?

Humans built their towers, and conquered nations They colonised lands, and made organisations They killed one another and imposed regulations All in your name (Violent)

And when you’re questioned by new generations With ways of science and new innovations When we need your words, your own explanations You’re still the same (Silent)

So tell me then, how am I to believe In stories of snakes, of Adam and Eve From holy men, who lie and deceive Who tell wild tales, hard to conceive Of parted seas and Gentiles that cleave I’m not sorry I disbelieve I am no longer naïve

العقل ده من عند ربك نعمة وتتحاسب عليها البصر من عند ربك نعمة وتتحاسب عليها الصحة نعمة من إلهك برضه تتحاسب عليها ولو تصلى طول حياتك مش حتردّ ذرّة فيها هو ده كل الكلام اللى اتربينا عليه هو ده نفس الكلام اللىّ كبرنا نسمع فيه بعد موتك روح بتطلع و هتتعذب و هتتحاسب فى قلب قبرك لو عملت أىّ شرّ فهتتعاقب اتنين طوال حياتك على كتافك بيراقبوك ملهمش فى الدنيا حياة غير كتابة كل سلوك كل هدفهم فى الوجود يكتبوا عنّك و يجرّدوك *** قولى لو رحت اشتريت عربية, جيت تسوق من غير فرامل عيب تصنيع متعرفوش, عملت حادثة خبطت راجل العيب هنا على الضحية, ولا ع السوّاق, ده فاشل؟ ولا على نصاب و باعلك, شئ كان فى أصله كله عاطل؟ لو الروح دى شئ حقيقى, كيميا المخ ليه مهمّة؟ ليه تأثّر على أفعالك؟ ليه بتقتل كل همّة؟ ليه دكتور نفسى يقولك خد حباية كل يوم؟ وليه يقولك دى بالذات تاخدها بس لازم قبل النوم؟ لو عقلى نعمة من الأساس يبقى ليه مش شغال؟ عطانى ليه عقل بايظ فيه دايما حرب و فيه قتال؟ لو بصري نعمة يبقى ليه عاطينى عين بتشوف هلاوس؟ ولو هموت هاتعذب أكتر يبقى ليه انا اصلا عايش؟ يبقى ليه ناوي يحاسبنى على كيمياء خلقها هو؟ يبقى ليه ناوى يعذبنى على كيميا بايظة زرعها جوا؟ لو دخلت ف يوم فى نار, هل حيمنع دوبامين؟ ولو دخلت ف يوم فى جنّة هيغرقنى سيروتونين؟ كل يوم مواد جديدة حتحسسنا بالحاجات؟ أصناف جديدة من السعادة , يلا نضرب مهدئات؟ جنّة ايه اللى الملايكة باعوا فيها مخدرات؟

He's egocentric, he's deluded, and his mind is stalling. He wants your recognition, He wants your lauding, A rampant dilettante, always marauding, In fields he's got no knowledge of, it's all according, To his insatiable need of mass applauding, His life-goal is a standing ovation, that'd be rewarding, Even if he has to do some embellishment, or some slight defrauding, He wants your praise, despite the fact he knows it's quite appalling, He's read on it, he knows the score, and yet he keeps recalling, How in his childhood, all adults he knew just kept on calling, Him a little wunderkind, a genius that always kept on scrawling, And hoarding facts he barely knew, but thought were quite enthralling. He was just trying to figure things out, trying to find his calling. But then he started going to school, and it was beyond galling, It was his fault. He caused surfeit, his ways had caused the palling, The bullies didn't leave him be, and then he started bawling, It did not work, and that was it, his skies then started falling, He had to keep appeasing them, to be a rat, and start on crawling, Cease his ways and keep a ruse, fade away and stop the spalling, Of his fragile self-image, his last resort; he tried to avoid the mauling. He dreamt of how he'd change the world and make his mark on history, And that's how he'd show them.

#FixedBecauseOfPerfectionism

ثقب فى رأسى يتنامى حتى تلاشت كل الأفكار والحزن يطوف فى عقلى يقتل ويبعثر فى الأشعار

الهمّ كدرع مكسور وانا بين الغضب والإنكار حيران، أدور و اتلهف على حل، بين جنة ونار

كغزال يواجه صيّاده متردد، ضائع، محتار تتكالب الدنيا عليّ تقسى، تتوحش، تنهار

ثقب فى رأسى يتنامى حتى تلاشت كل الأفكار والخوف يقطّع فى قلبى أشواكه كقلاع الصبار

#شعر #Poetry #Arabic #عربي

I'm Schizoaffective, Doubly-defective, My paranoia, Is hypersensitive, My judgement impaired, My madness infective, I'm unassertive, All my decisions, Are subjective, And all my solutions, Are retrospective, Against all evidence Of my delusions, I stay protective. All of my senses, Are damn deceptive, They blend illusions, Till they're indistinctive. My brain projects, A faulty perspective. I'm socially awkward, And apprehensive. In whatever conflict, I am defensive. My long-term memory, Is unretentive. I try to learn, But I'm unreceptive, And unperceptive. I even tried writing, But I'm not descriptive. All my narratives, Are repetitive. All my portrayals, Are not depective.

***

There's something wrong, With my cognition, So I wrote this song, About my condition. The rhymes are strong, But I'm no musician. If you sing along, You're in a similar position.

***

I'm sedentary, I'm mostly inactive, When I hit catatonia, I'm unproductive, Nonadaptive. When my mood rises, I find it eruptive. That makes me disruptive, And maybe destructive, Or even corruptive, Only then my brain, Becomes conductive. My neurons light up, Finally conjunctive, Though wired wrong, They're superconductive, And that's even worse, That's just obstructive.

***

There's something strong, With my cognition, So I wrote this song, About my condition. The rhymes are wrong, But I'm no musician. If you feel you belong, You're in a similar position.

***

I only wish I could rewire, The brain-cells that misfire, Kill the ones that conspire, Maybe then I'll escape this mire, In case I can't, I'll just enquire, Can you help? Are you for hire? Will you become my own supplier? Nonexistence, my desire, This rotten mush about to expire, It's time for this brain to finally retire, So bring the brimstone, bring the fire, All those things that I require, Can you help me light up this pyre? And turn to dust this thorny brier? Maybe it'll end, or I'll garner godly ire, Or maybe I'll reincarnate higher, On the scale from bad to dire

***

I just wrote this song, About my condition, I told you what's wrong, With my cognition, The facts are strong, From my position. Please help me along, If you heard my transmission.

#poetry #songwriting #depressing #schizoaffective

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